she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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