I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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