I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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