Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
operation have a gay friend backfired
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize