Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
