I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
