New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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