When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
