I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
