I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
