I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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