but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
All I want is dick and wine.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
