But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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