I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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