I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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