I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
