i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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