Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
