I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
