so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
