my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
