I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
