That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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