His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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