dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
