It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
