When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
BRING THE BAGELS
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
