I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
