i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
