You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
