my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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