How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
