we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
