i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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