two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
