My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Farmville is her only friend.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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