talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Randomize
