Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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