I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
