Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
