my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
