i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
