She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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