My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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