I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
did you just send me my own nude
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
