i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
