So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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