So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
