I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
