Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
