You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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