When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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