ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
