omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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