dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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