im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
