the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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