I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
