How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
