First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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