I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
