I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
