I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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